The Words given by A Parent That Saved Us when I became a First-Time Dad

"I believe I was simply in survival mode for the first year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the difficulties of being a father.

However the actual experience soon proved to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Serious health complications surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her chief support as well as caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I handled every night time, each diaper… each outing. The duty of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following eleven months he reached burnout. It was a chat with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he required support.

The straightforward statement "You are not in a good spot. You must get some help. How can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although the public is now more accustomed to addressing the stress on mothers and about post-natal depression, less is said about the difficulties fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his difficulties are linked to a broader inability to talk between men, who still internalise negative notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and stays upright every time."

"It's not a display of being weak to request help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to admit they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the opportunity to take a respite - taking a few days away, away from the family home, to see things clearly.

He realised he required a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotional states alongside the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked reliable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, long-standing emotional pain caused his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "terrible decisions" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as an escape from the pain.

"You gravitate to substances that aren't helpful," he says. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, confide in a family member, your spouse or a counsellor how you're feeling. This can to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the things that helped you to feel like you before having a baby. It could be playing sport, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Look after the body - nutritious food, staying active and when you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - listening to their stories, the difficult parts, along with the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help isn't failing - prioritising you is the optimal method you can look after your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead provide the safety and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the emotions safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men because they faced their pain, changed how they communicate, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, sometimes I feel like my purpose is to teach and advise you on life, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering just as much as you are on this path."